My journey to a happy marriage began around 26 years ago. I was the child of divorced and remarried parents and I had a fairly stable childhood. About 26 years ago I gave my life to the Lord at the approximate age of 13.
I hungered and thirsted for God's righteousness and knowledge of him so I began reading his word. My Bible was with me wherever I went, and I read it whenever I had an opportunity. In the course of this reading and growth I learned many things not the least of which was the value of a 1st Peter 3 woman.
3:1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.The notion was and is out of place in our culture. Who can find a woman willing to be subject to her husband? It would be a difficult task indeed, especially as an African American man in America. Our culture is not known for developing submissive wives. Yet as with all things, my heart was with God's heart. God considered submission in a woman to be a very precious and beautiful thing and so as a result I did too. My heart yearned for what God described in this passage.
There were doubters and naysayers, "You're going to have to go to another country to find a woman like that", but as anyone who knows me knows, I'm a man of resolve. As I grew as a young man I held firmly to the vision of this Godly woman.
In reference to this picture of a godly wife one moment in high school stands out most vividly in my mind. A girl in my class had a friend who had a crush on me. Her friend was externally beautiful and so she was lobbying for me to give her friend a chance. She couldn't understand my resistance, because her friend was gorgeous. While we sat in class I opened my bible and read to her the above passage in 1 Peter 3. I told her this is the kind of woman I am looking for. That's why I was not interested. My conviction and resolve was perplexing. Some people even thought I might be gay, I mean how else do you explain a man turning away beautiful women who are virtually throwing themselves at him?
So I went to college and developed some interest in a couple of women over that time that never panned out. I then began to attend one of the mega-churches to increase my opportunities to find a suitable partner. At the same time I developed an interest in sharing the doctrines of grace in the context of my culture, so I occasionally visited a local African American Presbyterian church called Pinecrest.
My heart went out to my people at Pinecrest because they have accurate confessions, but the denomination has moved so far from what those confessions say. I participated in bible study there to share with them the doctrines of their own confessions and to hopefully be of service. In this time I developed a friendship with Deborah, who regularly attended church and bible study there. Eventually I would meet Deborah's daughter who would later become my wife, Daina.
Daina would attend bible study and she had a quiet spirit. I was not immediately thinking of Daina in the context of being a suitable wife. She was my friend's daughter. Still, I believe the LORD had planned to bring us together. My wife would later tell me (when we were dating) that the LORD had shown her before we were dating that I was going to be her husband. She had been praying for God to show her who would be the one.
As Daina and I would begin to get to know each other better, I would begin to see more clearly that she is a 1 Peter 3 woman. She was a woman with a meek and quiet spirit. This grew my love for her. Finally the LORD had given me what I'd desired for many years, the very thing he desired for wives to be for their husbands.
Daina & I were married on May 21st, 2005. As two flawed human beings we had some struggles in the beginning of our marriage. It would take time for us to grow and learn to sacrifice and see the other's perspectives.
One of the safe guards we put in place early was that we would not entertain any negative communications about our spouse from others. It can be difficult for those who love you to see the flaws of your spouse and not have something to say, some kind of input to "help". We also would mostly abstain from complaining about our spouse to others. Outside the context of accountability meetings (where this type of information may be instrumental in facilitating spiritual growth) we generally held well to this standard.
During this formative time we tried to hold to the biblical standard of not letting the sun set on our anger. Sometimes this required my type-A personality to refuse to allow a conflict to simmer unresolved. Sometimes my wife's calming and reasonable demeanor was what was needed to get us to let down our guards and work together to resolve issues. Through out these first few years I continued to teach my wife concerning the areas spiritually I saw she could grow in. I trained her in what a Godly wife is from a biblical perspective because I believe it is my job. It is my responsibility to continue to be the spiritual leader of our family in all areas, even those that might be perceived as self-serving.
Daina and I began to have children and Daina took on the unfamiliar challenge of homeschooling. I helped as the "Principal" of the school with selecting curriculum. Over the years Daina has taken more and more control and leadership over homeschooling such that I'm virtually completely uninvolved at this point, which I love.
While I do believe I've developed some over our marriage by being slower to speak, slower to anger and quicker to listen, I'd say my wife has been transformed by the power of Christ so much more.
Daina is my greatest treasure aside from Jesus Christ. In her God gave me all things things I knew I wanted and many of the things I didn't have the wisdom to know I needed. But God knew. She is a perfectly suited instrument of God to bring about my sanctification. My wife has:
- Meekness - which is needed to diffuse my assertive personality
- Intelligence - which has been a blessing for us to be able to engage in deep conversations
- Beauty - which has obvious benefits
- Love for God - which enables her to submit to her husband even when she disagrees on non-moral things
- Mental Toughness - which allows her to not be easily offended or overly sensitive
- Love for her Children - which enables her to serve well in raising them in the nurture and admonition of the LORD.
While I had considered Meekness, Beauty and Love for God as criteria for marriage, I had not considered Intelligence and Mental Toughness. Only after marriage, looking back, have I seen how much of a blessing these things have been and how much God was looking out for me. He gave me the perfect woman for me.
I stand before you today as a man in a happy marriage. A happy marriage takes a lot of work, a love for God, a commitment to staying the course and a desire to model Christ and his church to the world around you, that is if we want to have God's kind of happy marriage.
Thank you LORD for the last 11 years. You blessed me with an awesome wife and awesome in-laws to boot!
